Goodbye

Big year for me. SPM, a little bit of this and a little bit of that. A rough year. Let's go by months, but I can't really remember what has happened though. Not exactly.

January
Started school. I was so excited on my first day. Everyone was like "wey ni last punya first day!" Ha-ha. It sucks when your parents forget your birthday. Abah and Mama forgotten mine this year :(

February
Valentine's Day, I feel disgusted to think of it back.

March
Nana Mia, Roti Bakar Kopitiam (some maybe know what I'm trying to say here) Mid-term exam. I failed my Chemistry HA-HA.

April
I can't remember anything that happened in this month -.-"

May
KL, prom dress. Mid-year exam. I did quite well :D

June
Enchantment Under the Sea, I ruined it! Had a good night dancing with Sya :)

July
Someone's birthday, free calls, Facebook :)

August
Debaran SPM semakin memuncak, study groups, stayed up, puasa and this is when I started to be close to that someone. Kut?

September
Raya, trials. Okay, I didn't do well for my trial :( Semakin rapat :D

October
7th day of the month until the 25th day of the month <3 *playing You Sang to Me

November
SPM, struggle, pain, pressure. Al-Fatihah: Tok Ngah. Last day of SPM :D

December
I regret that I wasted a lot of time and I'm missing some people. Hate to say this, but I'm lonely. Sya and Munzir, yeah happy to see they're happy together :D

The year 2009 has taught me a lot of things. As you grow older, you'll get more grumpy-er. A lot of hardwork needed to make it to the peak of the tower called success. People don't really understand what they're saying. Don't be surprise if your best friend told you that he/she will always be there for you but when you need them they aren't there. People tend forget littlest things like that. Don't get mad when a person tells you that he/she loves you but the next thing you know is they're leaving, for good. They do love you, they just don't want to keep on lying to you. They just want the best for you. When someone tries to love you, appreciate that. He tried, at least. It's okay to cry when you feel like to. Don't just keep those tears, it hurts. It's okay to be emo sometimes, you're being yourself. Don't ignore your friends even if they did ignore you a few times. Don't hide your feelings, it kills you from the inside. There's no point telling the whole world that you're broke cause no one can help you with that. If a friend calls you in the middle of the night crying, don't hung up. Try your very best to keep them calm. Don't ever use your mom's face wash! HA-HA When your parents aren't talking to each other, don't try to do anything. Just act normal, don't show them your worries. Don't text you friends when you're driving. When a guy tells you that he can be a jerk, trust him. When your boyfriend calls you very early in the morning, answer and talk to him. Nothing feels as good as talking to your boyfriend in the morning. When your boyfriend doesn't tell you that he loves you that often, don't think that he does not love you, he does. If your boyfriend is sick, don't try to act as if you're his mom. Do not annoy your ex-boyfriends. Don't make assumptions. Don't act cool or nice in front a hot guy in the presence of your friends. When your friends think that you're immature, don't freak out. You know yourself better than others. Don't let people make decisions for you. It's your life. Some things are better left unsaid :)

Me Love

Please smile?

thank you :)

Reasons why I'm waaaay better than YOU

I am stronger than you.
I don't need a guy to wish me "good night" and "good morning" every day.
I don't need a guy to say "I love you" to me.
I don't take my friends for granted.
I don't just ignore my friends because they don't have something that I have.
I'm happy to see my friends happy, I don't envy them if I'm not as happy as they are.
I don't pretend to be something I'm not to just you know- to act cool.
I don't cry over small matters.
I am not as grumpy as you are.
I don't care if I don't look good. (maybe I do, a little)
I am very grateful for what I have now.
I don't twist my words. (maybe I do sometimes)
I am not an attention seeker!

I AM NOT YOU

Okay, this is weird

I feel like crying. Don't know why, just feel like to -.-"

Going strong

It took me one year and five months to love you
Now,
I need another one year and five months to
stop thinking of you.

Inter-est-inggg

Interesting kan?
Think I'm nice? Think again ;)

Treasure Hunt

First get into my room, on my dressing table there's one small purple box. It's really small you really have to look for it. Open it and there it is, our treasure of love sayang.

I LOVE YOU

Hey again

I MISS YOU!

gada-gada-gada-gada

okay, okay nak pi mandi dah ni -.-"

Ouchh

After waiting for so long, finally there's someone who has the guts to talk to me. You don't have to know who, but I like this person so much that he has the guts to do so. He texted me and this is what he said.

A- that person
B- me

A: U nak tau something. Actually i rasa u ni teruk
B: Okay, and why is that so eh? I bunuh bapak u ka?
A: Tak, well i guess belum sampai tahap tu. It's just that i rasa u suka ingat yang u ni hebat, kira u the best la. Padahal u're nothing je pun
B: Jap, what did i do to u eh?
A: U did nothing but i rasa annoyed with u. U're extremely annoying u know
B: Eh?
A: Yes! U suka buat yang u know everything padahal u cetek pemikiran. U suka buat yang u ni cool habis, u suka takmau admit apa yang u rasa, u suka ingat yang u ni expert in life habis
B: Lagi?
A: The truth is, your friends tak berapa nak comfortable dengan perangai u. Tapi sebab u single which i don't see what's the connection, so kawan-kawan u takmau nak bagitau u sebab diaorang takut that it might hurt u
B: Tell u what, i sikit pun tak marah. I know i annoying gila, i know! I know that i ni teruk. I tunggu a person yang berani nak tell me all these but sorang pun tak berani. Why semua nak kena ingat sebab i don't have a person yang boleh back up i kira i ni weak. Maybe i am. Okay, i admit, i jealous dengan my friends sometime. I teringin nak rasa apa yang they feel but at the same time, i know i kena change. I've tried (insert name)!
A: Why u kena buat macam tu? Why u kena tunjuk dekat guys yang u ni kononnya tak senang nek kena tipu? U dah lain gila Shazana. Lain sangat
B: If only u boleh rasa apa yang i rasa now
A: Stop saying that. Semua orang rasa macam tu. Jangan la ingat u sorang je yang unfortunate. U ni selfish. Bodoh sombong
B: Thanks (insert name).

Well at least now I know. Thanks, thank you so much. Surprisingly, I don't feel so down. I feel normal. You know what's best for you.

Broke, bored, broke, broke, bored.

Home sweet home. Ah, not sweet anymore since I've done all my works.

-Clean the room [√]
-Do the laundry [√]
-Clean up the closet [√]
-Read the newspaper [√]
-Wake Fadd up [√]
-Call Fadd [√]
-Finish 'The Lesson of Her Death' [√]
-Search for recipes to cook tomorrow [√]

Everything done and I'm bored. I need to find a job. I need to fill up my time, I need to learn to earn my own money, I need to socialise more, I need money, I need money and I need money. I just got back from school and Farah just went back home. I'm alone and I'm bored. Called Fadd but he is up to something -.-" I wanna go out but I'm broke, I've no money. Not as much as I had yesterday. The money that is left now is for me to spend next week. I've no idea how am I going to survive with only that much of money. Berjimat cermat amalan mulia Shazana. Give yourself a try. Financial problem always got me a major headache.

I wanna go to KL for the KLWMBC but to think again, it's in KL. So, it's better for you not to go Shazana. Not now! Shittt, I'm bored and I'm broke. Well, not really broke but I have to save up for the BIG day. I ate three donuts at a time. Bloated. I miss my kakak, hope she will come back next week. I've promised to myself to be a good girl from now on. I won't use any harsh words on guys (exceptional for some guys), I'll try to be as polite as posible towards some girls, especially my girls, I'll try to show people that I HAVE FEELINGS TOO, I want to show to some (insert word) that there are a lot of difference between US, I want to say ' I love you' to my parents more often and and I want to treat my boyfriend (if I have one in time to come) nicely (: Okay, that sounds bitchy but above all this, I want people to know that I do appreciate them no matter how bad they hurt me. See, that's my problem. I forgive people easily. Too easy in fact that they tend to repeat the same mistakes that will make me feel sad. HA-HA I sound so lame.

FUCK IT

SPM is over and I'm very glad for that. Now you can see kids hanging out at the malls. Dah habis seksa exam lah katakan. As for me, I'd prefer to stay and enjoy the serenity at home. So I didn't go out with my friends. Cuti lama so tak payah nak kecoh and pulun nak keluar lah Shazana. Friends did ask me out but sorry I just don't feel like going out YET. I'll ask you out if I feel like to. Sombong lah Shazana ni. Whatever, seriously whatever (!) I've been going through a lot for the past few months. All the bullshits started exactly on February 2nd and everything just ended on December 8th. And that was approximately 11 months and that is almost a year. WOW! Now I'm proud of myself. I've been going through all that alone for almost a year, surprising much. Never thought I could be this strong. And now I think I deserve plenty of time to let myself feel free because YOU have no idea how gruelling the journey of shit was. And for that I think YOU should quit saying this and that, quit making assumptions (!) YOU didn't even realise how people are saying that I've changed, or shall I say that YOU don't care about it. I'm sure YOU don't, YOU are always busy with your so-called important agendas. No matter how busy YOU are and no matter what people said about me being a totally different person, I just want YOU to know that YOU are still one of THEM.

We ended it with smiles.

HOPE TO SEE YOU GEORGIANS AGAIN! (:

Calling once, calling twice

I could feel that something isn't right in this house. Something stinky.

Desire

Mazda RX8

Kawasaki Ninja 250R

Eat this and go fart somewhere else

Idiots come.
Idiots go.
Assholes stay.


ps: Fadd, my phone is 'under maintenance'.

menujupuncak.

17 days to go and yes, I'm not all prepared. But, I will get myself 100% ready within these two weeks.I hope I can make it. I just happened to wake up early this morning so just thinking to do some last-words-before-SPM-post.

To all friends, I'm sorry if I ever did anything wrong to you especially my words. I know I hurt you people sometimes without realising it. Tambah-tambah time my mood swing. I'm sorry head to toe, you know sometimes you can't hear yourself say anything but you said it (?) Anyways, doesn't matter what I did that hurt you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I ever call you with some weird and not so good names. Sometimes melawak terlebih, aku kan over. So, ampunlah. To school pals, thanks for all the guidance and support. I know I can't make it through those hard times without you girls. And, I'm sorry for not being a good one in return. Halalkan makan minum and everything else. To others, sorry for my wrongdoings. Sorry to annoy you too much. Forgive me.

This is it. I'm leaving for the war. Pray for me (:

Abah, Mama <3

Hari ni aku kusut gila babi sampai la petang tadi, lagi dok jadi kusut macam mak hilang anak. Lol. So, dengan penuh rasa kusut dan serabut, I went down with my frizzy hair and cari mama. "Ma, kakak rasa sangat serabut" and mama said okay. Mothers always understand their kids. I know and I'm glad that I have such a wonderful mom. Then, mama told abah "your daughter just (insert words). Jom bawak dia pi somewhere" seriously (?) I was shocked. My mom understands me sampai macam ni (': So, I went up to get myself ready then headed to Queensbay, the nearest kancah maksiat. Lol. In the car, mama and abah were giving me some good words. "He wants you to focus on your SPM first" , "I know you will be fine, kakak kan anak abah" etc. Reached QB and first place to go, Baskin Robbins. I need ice-cream when I'm too stressed out. After that, we went to After Hours. Abah needs a new watch. After that, we went to Guardian. Oh oh, on the way to Guardian, there was an Air Asia booth depan Famous Amos. I saw this one guy, I think he's from Citi Bank cause he was wearing a Citi Bank shirt. He's HOT! And he wore Versace jeans, must have lots of money too. Yumm yumm! Lol. Enough with the craps. Went to Guardian, bought my toiletries and Cadbury Bournville. Really need one at the moment. I wasted a lot of money today. Shopping is good, especially when you're too stressed out. Really. I wanted to go to Forever 21 then depan Esprit ada tunjuk tunjuk car, apa lagi abah punya favourite lah ni. Abah was asking the salesman about the car that I never thought abah likes. It was

SUZUKI SWIFT!

I was like, "Ma, since when abah suka kereta macam ni?" and mama said, "taktau lah abah ni". Then, jeng jeng jeng!

Kakak, nak try get in?
Huh? Okay

In the car..

You like it?
I love it!
You want this?

Woi! I'm dreaming ka (?) Wrong question lah abah, you should ask "nak colour apa?" Lol. So, I just smiled as a respond. Abah faham la if anak dara dia ni dok sengih-sengih macam kerang busuk. Haha. After wasting some money at Forever 21, went to Coffee Bean. Dapat caffiene best ni. I was in the line, there was a chinese lady in front of me. OMG, dia punya la banyak tanya and I noticed that the kakak pun macam dah annoyed gila babi. Haha. After getting myself a regular Mocha Ice blended with cream, turned and woof! Saw another hotstuff. Haha. Then went back home. And in the car, mama and abah were still giving me their good words. "kakak, jangan study sampai tak tidoq, otak kita kena rest jugak", "don't worry about SPM too much, your health is more important", "esok tak payah pi school, rest at home. You're under a lot of pressure" ayat ni paling heaven. Lol. I was touched by mama and abah (': Thanks mama, thanks abah. I know you two are always there for me through the hard times. You always have my back. And thanks Allah for giving me all the strength to face what I'm facing now. And, thanks to dearest friends and Dr. Fikree. I need to study now, need to focus on my SPM. Dia cakap focus SPM dulu then we'll talk bout it. Lol. I end this with a warm smile (:

p/s: I still love you (':

No, I'm not ready.

I woke up early today and I mean really really early. Who am I kidding? I didn't even sleep last night, sheesh! As usual, did a little bit of studying, wandered around the house, on and off the TV, ate this and that (I'm always hungry, mind that!), texted some friends and here comes the drama. It was 3.34 a.m. when I received a call from a friend.

A: Awak masih berjaga?
S: Ye, kenapa?
A: Baru lepas study, otak penuh.
S: Okay, faham sangat. Apa pulak this time?
A: Sedih la nak leave school
S: I know, we have like what- less than 4 weeks to feel the atmosphere being in school kan? The crowd at the canteen during recess. It's annoying but that's love.
A: Itu lah. Waking up and not to find all those familiar faces again, macam tak berapa nak best.
S: Bangun pagi tak tengok lelaki badan kental-kental? Awak bagi saya rasa awak gay
A: Haha. It's not like that la budak. Awak tak duduk asrama mana awak tau
S: Ye ye

Believe it or not, our converstion ended with the both of us crying. Well, not practically crying but ada lah jugak tears, sikit. Haha. So, this is it. I'm finally leaving school. This may sound weird but I have to admit it. I know I'm gonna miss school a lot! And I know those hostelites would feel even sad (?) I will miss all the teachers though I dislike most of them. But they were the ones who make our school life to be fun. Just imagine a school with only good teachers and I mean good--good. You won't have anyone to cari pasal right? I will miss the canteen food, ayam goreng Pak Ali is the best ayam goreng in the world! And and, SGGS lekor is the best lekor you can find on earth! Shit, gonna miss them a lot. The food, I mean. And what I'm gonna miss the most is the time spent with the girls. Everything started in school. We planned this and that, we prank-called our boyfriends. I remember prank calling Abidin once. It was fun and hilarious. We found out about almost everything first in school. I'm not ready to leave all of that behind. How fast time flies. I hope I won't skip school dah after this and I doubt that. Lol. But first, I have to get myself ready for the big exam so that I can face anything that will happen after that. Pray for me

SOS

CEPAT LA BALIK! ):

I ate a lot of satay just now and now, I'm drunk. Sya knows why ;p

"Awesome!"

Yeah, I didn't go to school today for some good solid reasons. Yes, reasons! I woke up at 6 today and did some Sejarah followed by Physics. I need to push myself from now on. I wanted to do some Chemistry but otak macam penuh so I need to rest sekejap. As we all know the Ministry of Education has somewhat of 'upgrade' the grades for the SPM examination. Now, you don't have to aim for A1 but instead, A+ which is higher than A1. Awesome, no? Need to work harder and play less. Have you people ever thought that this new grading system is somehow unfair to us who are sitting for SPM this year? I personally think that way. The Ministry should start all this new system next year, don't you think? Well, at least those who are sitting for SPM next year can get themselves ready for A+. I can say that I'm not ready for A+ and it's kinda too late to regret and a little too late to get ready for it. I'm working for my A's, wish me luck! :D

Keys to HAPPINESS

There was one time, I was cleaning the house and I found a majalah budak-budak. It's the Celik magazine. I remember my sister bought this because she was too eager to know about the Earth Hour. So, I was flipping through the pages and I think it's a good magazine for kids as there were a lot of information and it covers all aspects of education. It has Islamic education, BM, English, Science and etc. Isn't that good? So, as I was flipping through the pages, I was amazed by one of the pages. It's written there:

KEYS TO HAPPINESS

• Watch a sunrise. Be thankful to God.
• Be the first to say "assalamualaikum of hello".
• Focus on what you WANT - and take steps towards it.
• Learn to show cheerfulness even you don't feel it.
• Treat everyone as you want to be treated.
• Remember that winners do what losers don't want to do.
• Never give up on anybody; miracles happen.
• Remember someone's name.
• Be tough-minded but tender hearted.
• Keep your promises.
• Do not wastes an opportunity to tell someone you love them, especially your family.
• Leave everything better than you found it.
• Keep some things to yourself and do not promote havoc by backstabbing people.

I was amazed by this. I mean, why is this 'thing' in a magazine for kids? They are innocent, they are not stressed by their lives. Right? Think about it.

Congratulations and welcome (:

Yesterday was the day. Yes, MY abang Ayin is now married to the lovely Kak Emma. Okay, we actually have two Emmas in our family now. Awesome! Just wait for the family gathering and eveyrone will mix up with the two Emmas in the family. Ha-ha. So, back to the story. I went to Mama Oyah's after going to Farah's house. I didn't help much pun that night since some people were saying that I don't need to help much, better study for the bloody SPM and surprise surprise! I didn't bring any books there. Congrats Nanu! And so, I just helped with some bunga telur and that reminds me of the short story: Of Bunga Telur and Bally Shoes. Ha-ha. After helping, I went out with Kak Nana to the coffee shop near by to just cuci mata. Lol. After that, we came back home and wooh! Gamal was there! The most handsome kid I've ever met. He was wearing black shirt and shorts. Eh, black shirt sama lah Gamal! Ha-ha. After having a short chatting session with him, I went to Kak Anum's to just have a good rest. I did nothing there pun until Izzat called me. What a surprise. I bet he will go back to school and tell that bloody guy about he calling me. Guys do the gossip better than the girls, trust me.

So, my job for the wedding was to be the bunga telur girl. And there was only ONE bunga telur girl and that's me. I had to walk here and there make sure that everyone get their bunga telur and I was wearing my bloody heels. Kaki sakit gila gila lah. But then, giving bunga telur is somehow FUN! And wooh I got this a lot:

"Eh, ni Shazana kan. Dah anak dara dah sekarang eh. Cantik dah. Bila pulak nak makan nasi minyak?"

I was so fucked up. Like wey tua sangat ka aku ni? Some cakap macam Form one and some cakap macam ni. Whatever lah kan. The best part is when I get to meet all the cousins and realtives. The old and new, I F-ing love my family (: The wedding was almost come to the end and apa lagi ni lah time nak menelepak rest. But sadly, I didn't get to. The new Kak Emma came to me and she was asking me lots and I mean fuckloads of question. Interogating new family member. She's nice and Abang Ayin is very lucky. Welcome to the family Kak Emma.

It's nice to have someone new in our family and it would be nicer if bapak is still with us. Bapak, I miss you. It's been almost a year since you left us, I miss you so bad )':

Bapak
al-Fatihah

See, I'm smiling (:

Okay, so things have been going fine lately. I mean, things between us. Yes, it's me and and the world, just the both of us and I'm very glad for that. I am, really and I know you can see that too. The text messages, the phone calls, the laughter, the smiles, the food, the fun and the most importantly, THE HEART. I don't want to sound gay or desperate or whatever bullshit so I decided to do this as a top-up. Things have been going fine with almost everyone. Not all, almost! People are hard to read and even harder to understand. I'm glad that I have at least tried to understand some. Didn't manage to reach the peak, but I'm proud of myself that I actually tried to. Different people, different ways. Ah, I get that! Well, why don't we both try to show some effort to make things better. What say you? It takes two to tango, you know? But so far, I think I'm doing my part pretty well and I'm sorry if I'm not.

I pretty much understand if this is not what you want. I've been such a pain in the ass after all this while so, I deserve this. But let's not make it too long because at this point of time, I might need you people to be with me. I may not tell you what's actually going on and please don't ask. I just want to be more independent but at the same time, I need my FRIENDS to support me. No, there's no need to brainstorm for some good advices, I just need a smile from you (: I know all of us can make it through. We have each other's back, cheers!

p/s: I love Penang and the people here. No where else :D

ayat-ayat cliche raya

yeah, I woke up early today. I didn't wake up for Subuh so bangun awal lah. Imma good girl ya see. Anyways, while I was cleaning the room I found lots of green packets but of course without money in my drawer and that somehow reminds me of some 'ayat-ayat cliche musim raya'. It's like when you go to someone's house, the parents (mostly) will definitely say this:

1. Laa dah besar dah now. Dulu kecik je, belajar mana sekarang?

kan? See. And for some special case, just like what happened to me. I got this:

2. Laa dah besar dah now. Dah Form 1 kan?

Like wtf?! nevermind, people see me still as a kid. Good thing! Itu cerita in real life, in the virtual world pulak, you'll find people asking/telling people these:

3. How's your raya?
4. Wey raya rumah hang masyuk tak duit?
5. Nanti mai la rumah aku, mak aku buat open house.
6. My raya is so boring without ........
7. I'm sorry body and soul, Selamat Hari Raya

Just nice kan? My raya has not been a good one actually so far, minus the cute guys I met. lol. It's okay, just for this year. Next year will be a blast Insya Allah (:

patience is virtue

semakin dekat hari SPM, semakin banyak pulak 'shit' jadi. sabar je lah

senyum shazana senyum

those good times

August 13, 2007; 1752

i received a call from Aunty Kina. this is how the conversation was like (roughly)

Aunty Kina: Shazana, hello how are you?
Me: i'm good aunty, how are you?
Aunty Kina: not so good, i've something to tell you but please stay calm
Me: okay (feeling a bit uneasy)
Aunty Kina: Dan involved in an accident just now. he was with Syakir and Rasyad on the way back home from school. Syakir was driving and he hit a tree
Me: Ya Allah! so how are they now?
Aunty Kina: Rasyad and Syakir teruk now.
Me: how bout Dan?
Aunty Kina: (silent) Dan meninggal dekat situ jugak
Me: (silent)

i was so speechless, i was blank. i couldn't think of anything. i hung up on Aunty Kina just like that.

it's been two years now and Dan is still with me and i know he will always be. a true friend he was, he knew when i really need someone to tell me this "please don't give up, give it a try. i know everything is gonna be just fine." he didn't afraid to speak the truth that might hurt me. i still remember his sentence "i nak sakitkan hati u ni, ready?" (': i miss those moments with him and what i miss the most is when he didn't know how to ask Sania out. "shazana, macam mana ni i nak cakap apa dekat Sania. takkan nak cakap direct terus, nak ayat best best sikit" haha. that was Danial Razlan.

***

Danial, i hope you're happy up there. yes, it' s hard for me to live without you as you were the only friend who knew when i'm up and when i'm down. you just knew it without me telling you anything. sometimes, i just want you to be with me and i know that won't happen. no one can replace you Dan. my life has not been so good for the past few months, don't know why. but i know everything will be okay soon, i just need to wait. oh Dan, SPM is coming up, please do help me. now that i don't have anyone to make me the 'countdown machine' so my time is not well planned so do my studies. mama and abah don't seem to help much. i know they want me to be more independent kan Dan?

some people said that i've changed a lot now. yes, i decided to change. i was too good back then that some people used me for their own good. Dan, help me to make them understand. i know if you're still here you would understand me, you would support me. oh i remember what Derrick told us on the night he gave me the lanyard;

"friends, i'm afraid la nanti kita dah besar and dah tak macam now. i know kita semua will change. Dan will get married with Sania and have kids and will go back to US and leave us then he will call Shazana and ask her to move to US because he has found her a nice english man. Radhi will be in Austalia with Kak Wai and he will come back here and find me because he can't live without my kek pisang"

ahh, those times. Derrick, i still keep that lanyard (:

***

i had a bunch of wonderful people but now i don't have them anymore. Derrick moved to Singapore after his brother passed away. Radhi is in Australia now probably in college dah. Kak Wai is still here in Malaysia finishing her law. Sania pun is still here in Malaysia, i met her last month. she's not doing so good after she had lost Danial. and me, i'm here waiting for time to reunite. HOPE

Danial Razlan Ahmad Rizal
01/10/1991 - 13/08/2007

al-Fatihah

balik kampung

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI

MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

motivated

it's coming, it's coming!

oh no, it went off in silent again.

i'm strong on my own (:

rendang, ketupat, lemang <3

whee, i'm glad i'm almost done with the trials. a week to go baby! let's not talk bout trials shall we? been talking and thinking of the freaking trials for the past few weeks and now i'm just too tired to worry about it. why don't we have something to rebuild those cells that have been used up for trials, and since raya is just around the corner, let's talk about RAYA. yeay :D okay, when the word RAYA come across my mind, i can't imagine nothing else but rendang, lemang, ketupat, soto, lontong, kuih raya, the new baju raya to wear, and of course, DUIT RAYA. i still remember when i was a little girl, am not saying i'm old now just a little bit older than before but i'm still a little girl. haha. anyways, yeah when i was a little little little girl, i used to go around the housing area kutip duit raya. it was fun though ;p and now, of course i don't get to walk around the housing area with some silly friends to do that or else i will end up in the kitchen and do the dishes! haha. i'm going all red this coming raya. whoot! hot hot. haha. but sadly, i have no one among my friends to wear the same red baju raya with me. it's okay, shazana. you have your mama, abah, iwan and irah to wear red same as you (: i'm going off to perak this coming saturday, can't wait! and i can imagine all the food on the table on pagi raya. there will surely be

atuk's lemang
opah's chicken and beef rendang
mak lang's cake
mama's kuih raya
MY kek batik
MY cornflakes cookies
ketupat made by maybe encik badrul <3
and and and atuk's favourite nasi minyak

fuhh, can't waitttt! ahh, i need to finish up my bio works. see you soon loves

real deal

never judge a book by it's cover.
you don't know me, friend. you don't really have to try to do something good for me because i will end up seeing it as a bad thing. and seriously, i'm starting to feel annoyed with you and your hidden agendas. and i hope, you will realise how painful it is to be at my place. at least, aku tak semiang kau. you just can't live without a guy to be called boyfriend in your life kan. it's pathetic lah sukcer!

sleepless nights

trials: real definition of misery and pain. SPM: real definition of the love of after school life. haha. so, i'm done with 6 papers. BM 1 was okay except for the peribahasa and bina ayat part. what the hell on earth is tangan-tangan? i never heard of it. so, i made my own assumption that tangan-tangan is something like kakitangan but it's just they replace the word kaki with tangan to make it sounds more nice and polite. lol. so, obviously i got it wrong. after BM was bio paper 2 and it was super duper tough. well at least for me. i can't remember the kidney part and what la shazana?! albinism is NOT a sex linked inheritance. bear in mind. so, i already screwed up on the first day of trials.

2nd day was agama and it's a JPN paper. nothing much to say, but somehow PFS helps. thanks thanks. and i had sejarah paper today. it wasn't that hard and it wasn't that easy. i managed to answer half of it with confidence but other half, tembak. like Ben said: redah je! i haven't been sleeping for the past few nights. the maximum sleeping hour was 3 hours? i know i'm gonna off to bed early tonight or maybe i won't. i'm immuned with it.

p/s: muka garang, hati baik (:

time is running out

hello there. how've you guys been up to?

psssst, i've manged to cover up bio form 4 and almost done with bio form 5. read wani's blog. chill babe, put all of your love while studying this one little bloody subject. bio is fun. really. i've gotta say this. among all science subjects, bio is at heart. fuhh. but then again i'm not satisfied with myself though i managed to cover bio. all i did was just reading. i hope i can remember well, at least 3/4 of the facts.

sadly, i haven't started revising agama. and agama has a total up of roughly 72 chapters to cover. die la die la. oh oh and i didn't touch my physics book yet. big time, DIE LA WEY!

apa ni shazana? kalau macam ni jangan lah nak berangan nak continue with medicine and nak dapat scholarship. jadi lah rajin sikit. think of your own future boleh tak? dah besar kan, takkan benda macam ni pun tak boleh nak think of? don't disappoint your parents dah, please.

gedik-gedik manja

two days of study group and hell it helped a lot. thanks to all friends who turned up:

farah
nabilah
timah
sya
elina
keyla
wani
shaf
aizat
bashirul
otak geliga (ben)

and of course special special special special thanks to si otak geliga. we studied sejarah on the first day. and yesterday, we managed to do chemistry. now i can remember the rusting process, freshly and again, thanks to si otak geliga.

i didn't stay up last night as i was super duper tired and i had major headache. too much studying perhaps? so, i slept after berbuka. and i woke up around 10.30 feeling guilty because i'm supposed to be studying. i read sya's text message and went down to call her up. after calling her, i called some friends. was trying to have some good convos with them hoping that i won't feel too stressed out. after talking with sya, again, my cousin asked me to help him with his phone and some maths. woo, calculation! i slept around 1 (can't really remember actually) and woke up at 3 again, feeling guilty. so, i took my bio revision book and started studying. i studied until 10 and went back to sleep. woke up, do some laundry and now, blogging.

okay, gotta go now peeps. need to finish up bio form 5. baru perasan, blog title has nothing to do with this blog. haha

it works that way

so, i had the sejarah study group yesterday. a few friends came and we really did study. well, at least 3 chapters covered. and i found study groups somehow work on me. probably it's just the way i carried myself in a group that made me think that study groups don't work on me. and thanks to Ben for the unexpected explanation from you. you are a smart ass! and sorry friends that i failed to explain to you guys like how Ben did. and today, we're gonna have chemistry study group. chemistry, another red-marked subject on my focus-more list that is pasted on my bed room wall.

i just got back from someone's blog page, and all i've got to say is, MANGGIS ROCK!

*i know where i stand, don't worry (:

yeay me!

finally, i really am studying. last night, i received a text message from farah asking me to "cerita" to her about history. and sya did request for the same thing too. so, after terawikh i came with an idea to hold a sejarah study group with some friends. after getting approval from mama and abah, i texted my friends asking them to join the study group. well, most of them agreed to join. ah, study group? hopefully it works on me this time. well, it better will. time is running out!

so, gonna have a study group today and it's gonna be sejarah this time. guess what, i didn't sleep last night and i mean, i really did not sleep. i started revising after texting all friends and i kept on studying until 5 am until mama came knocking on my door for sahur. fulamak shazana!

after sahur, i wanted to have a 15 minutes sleep but thinking of the trials is just 4 days from now, it scares me. so, i continued studying and now my brain is too full and here i am, blogging. i read wani's blog. haha. i'm proud to be one the people who keeps you motivated.

reaching sejarah f5 textbook, flipping through pages, now; page 177: pilihan raya. toodles (:

yesterday.

i had fun yesterday, thanks people :D


pssstt, i feel loved too (:

first day.

woot, i made it through the first day of puasa. wooh, i'm proud of myself and surely my parents are too. i did nothing much on the first day. woke up for sahur, went online, did a little bit of studying at went back to sleep at 8 and woke up at 10. haha. and of course, as usual mom nags at me for waking up late?! serious, no shit. mama said anak dara like me, should wake up earlier. well ma, this is the modern days of anak dara (:

no shit, i was studying the whole day long yesterday. fuuh, my brain was overflowed with sejarah, bio, add maths, chemistry and physics. well done, shazana! and tup tup tup, it's time for berbuka. that was fast! go study folks, it helps you a lot during this fasting month.

i had ayam percik for berbuka, biasalah first day kan. after berbuka i went for solat terawikh. the mosque was so packed man. i managed to the the 8 rakaat terawikh because i wanted to continue studying at home. trials coming up!

it was raining yesterday, the whole day and it is still raining now. sejuk lah nak mati. needing jumper and a big warm hug (:

off-tuition: 0830 til 1500 -.-

22082009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABAH ♥

no one can love me like you do, abah. you're my #1 hero, forever.

I LOVE YOU

well-mannered.

yesterday, in the car heading to the tuition centre, i saw a bunch of cute boys walking by the pavement. they were all cute and sweaty. haha. probably they just finished playing basketball. ohhhwie, hot!

while waiting for the teacher, i saw this bunch of cute boys crossing the road. then, i saw something that i think hard to see. one of the boys was helping an old man crossing the road. such a well-mannered boy. one of a kind

current state of mind

the naked truth. no, this is not just for the sake of showing off or whatever shit. this is the real deal. the picture above, is my studying table. no, i don't really study. how can i study if the condition of my studying place is like the above, right? so, yeah some can tell. bed is the place. and when someone hits the bed, they can just stay awake for less than 2 hours then, enter the lala land. amazing. ah, almost forgot, i have books covering 3/4 of my bed. awesome, no? Newton's second law states that every action has its reaction. and here it goes, mama went into my room this morning while i was away for school. right time, ma. so, i got this from her:

ma: kakak, can i ask you something?
me: yes
ma: macam mana kakak study?
me: macam tu lah, nak macam mana lagi?
ma: with the condition of your bilik like that? macam lepas perang
me: no time la ma. mama pun bukan nak tolong kemas
ma: hello adik manis, you're already 17. jangan jadi malas la anak dara
me: okay, esok kakak kemas
ma: tau tak dengan bilik macam tu, i can tell that you're actually staying with hantu setan jebon in that room tau
me: yeah, dulu dah penah bising pasal ni
ma: macam mana la study nak masuk kepala otak. dah la kepala tu keras
me: maaaaaaaaa! good night

to cut my mom off. i slept in the car until reached home. sweet dreams (:

yes, it's been more than 2 years. i'm tired of waiting and sick of hoping. yes, you can still call me in the middle of the night and tell me that you hate your life just like how you tell every girls you know. that's pathetic, young man. i've made it clear, not gonna wait, not gonna hope for you (:

p/s: let's say i've found someone else

i saw this bulletin post on myspace. it's posted by fc (:


rename: things that I want but won't ask

1. Share secrets with me.

2. Give me your jacket.

3. Laugh with me.

4. Hangout with me and my friends together.


KEEP READING ..


5. Smile with me.

6. When my friends say "I love her more than you", deny it. Fight back and hug me tight so i can't get to my friends. It makes me feel loved.

7. Open doors for me, walk me to my car - it makes me feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.

8. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask me - if i deny something being wrong, it means I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug me.

9. Make me feel loved.

10. Don't lie to me.

11. DON'T cheat on me.

12. Take me ANYWHERE i want

13. Text message or call me in the morning and tell me have a good day at school, and how much you miss me.

14. Be there for me whenever i need you, and even when i don't need you, just be there so i'll know that i can always count on you.


ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.


15. Hold me close when i'm cold so i can hold you too.

16. Don't ever tell me to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If i'm upset, comfort me.


REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT ..


17. When people diss me, stand up for me.

18. Look deep into my eyes and tell me you love me.

19. Lay down under the stars and put my head on your chest so i can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to me as i rest my eyes and listen to you.

20. When you hug me, hold me in your arms as long as possible.

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED.

21. Call or text me at night to wish me sweet dreams.

22. Comfort me when i cry and wipe away my tears.

23. Take me for long walks at night.

24. Always remind me how much you love me.

You'll never know when i need just a little more love ..

I'M MISSING THEM

somethings are better left unsaid. if you don't feel like saying it, then don't. well, you don't really have to be a risk taker all the time do you? there are times you need to be alone. you don't want anyone else to know what you're up to, you don't want them to ask them if everything is going right, you even don't want them give you 'that' look. nothing lasts forever and things always change. a loser will not be a loser forever, never. if a person smiles at you, smile back. they just need to make themselves feel better even if you know that they're faking the smile. don't get them wrong, they're not being a hypocrite, they're just trying to see the beautiful side of misery. perhaps, sometimes they just couldn't hide the burden they're carrying, ask them if they're okay. if they say everything is fine, don't believe them, ask again. but if they still say everything is fine, then let them be. maybe they're trying to be more independent. they think they depend on others too much. let them be on their on. they have to be independent. they can't always depend on others as everyone knows someday and some time, people still need to live on their own, making decisions by oneself, solve own problems, figure out own lives. so, let them start from now. again, don't get them wrong. they're trying to do something that benefit everyone. if you smile at them but you don't get a good respond, don't get upset. they have something big that's bothering them. don't ask if they need any help, because they will not speak the truth. if they really need your help, they will come to you and ask for it. let them learn what a real life is. they're growing up, don't stop them from learning.

at times, they will be rude and will raise their voices to you. don't get upset, always keep in mind that they're growing up. they just don't know how to handle the emotions, they're learning. don't be cold towards them because they hate it. and what they hate the most is being cold among themselves. as time flies, they understand that's a just a way of showing emotions. but that's not the right way. they've learned from their own mistakes and will try not to repeat it again. they may be hard too. don't blame them for being hard. it's just the result of what they have been facing before this. every action has it's reaction. never ever try to change them. and yes, these people have changed a lot, that's the nature of life. they have finally found themselves and if it's not up to your liking, you can't do anything else but to just accept it. real deal. but that doesn't mean you can't or don't have to correct them. people make mistakes, how big or how good you are, there's one thing you can't avoid: making mistakes. it's the norm. correct them when you feel what they're doing is wrong. but if they just don't seem to change even after you talked to them, face the truth: that's just them being themselves. never ever underestimate them, they may seem heartless but no one knows how they feel deep down inside. some of them just want to keep things to themselves. they feel safer and better that way. it's okay, let them be. eventually, they will show their feelings. it's something no one can hide. and when this 'category' cut you when you're talking about someone else, no, they're not feeling annoyed or somewhat of jealous. that's because they feel empty and dark inside, they feel they need to be loved and to love. they want to feel happy. probably, something hideous and scary happened to them in the past, and that 'thing' took their happiness away. we wouldn't know. no, they're not lifeless. they have such a wonderful life with a bunch of wonderful people around them. they just trying to make the beautiful things to be more meaningful and special.

the best thing to do is, try not to point out their wrongdoings or bad behaviors or to make it obvious that they have changed and you don't seem to like it. all they need is your support. don't think that you're always right, they may be right sometimes. and don't ever think that this bunch of people have no heart, they're fragile but they just don't wanna show it. it's their way to keep them strong and to be stronger.

and to any of you is currently can be categorised in the group mentioned, i feel you. i know you're stronger than this. i know we can go through this. there's a lot more waiting for us ahead. don't give up at a start. so, try to be a little selfish. ignore those who condemn you. you know yourself better than anyone else (:

and i wish, i'm not here. yes, i shouldn't come back

hey there, it's nice to see you again.

nothing much happened today. i went for Abang Eddie's wedding. it was gruelling though i didn't help much for the wedding. sorry everyone. but today, i just found my new love, it's the Kawasaki 250r Ninja superbike! i want that bike or maybe a guy who owns it. and that guy better be my other half so that he can take me on that gorgeous bike. oh i want it black. it's cool isn't it? after the wedding, i went to Queensbay again. and while on the road, i just can't take my eyes off the road spotting for a black Kawasaki. see, i'm so in love with it. just imagine, your loved one take you on this super goorgeous, cool, solid, sexy thing. and the next thing you realise is that all eyes are on you and some of the girls will be jealous of you. i am looking for a guy who owns a Kawasaki 250r Ninja (:

i had a bad day yesterday. some friends were absent and that i have to go recess alone. well, not practically alone but i had no one to talk to. i planned to watch movie with Ika after school but mama asked us to go for Abang Eddie's akad nikah. so we went to the akad nikah. it was quite boring though. we had to wait for half an hour for the tok khadi to arrive. i was so bored and so i played some games from the phone. then, the tok khadi arrived. it was my first time seeing someone get married as in bernikah for the first time. it was kinda exciting and that somehow made feel wanna get married. lol. after the akad nikah, me, mama, Ika and ibu went to Balik Pulau for the laksa. we ladies, had fun hanging out together, eating laksa. suddenly, ibu blurted with some jokes and we were laughing our asses off! after a few months or maybe a year of not laughing out loud, i laughed yesterday (: then we went back home and i finished of the washing. oh yes, i wash my own garments. after dinner, we went to help out for the wedding then, i decided not to go for the wedding the next day. i was so exhausted. we went back home around 11 and without changing my baju kurung, i hitted the bed. only God knows how tired i was yesterday.

***

i decided not to go fot the wedding so Ika and I went to Queensbay to watch movie. we watched The Proposal. it's a good movie i shall say. i like the story line, though there were some parts that i think quite boring but the whole movie A! oh and i think Ryan Reynolds is SUPER CUTE! after watching movie, we went to Secret Recipe. i've been carving for chocolate few days back, and so there i was. i had chocolate indulgance and iced blended mocha. caffiene and chocolate, perfect! after eating, the both of us (Ika and I) went for shopping. i had so much fun, i missed shopping with her. as usual, we bought briefs and panties. lol. and oh, something happened just now. Ika was in the fitting room to try the bra and i was waiting for her outside the fitting room then, an old guy with his daughter came approach.

dad: the fitting room is full
daughter: aha aha
dad: nevermind, just try it here
daughter: okay

then, the uncle talked to me

uncle: is there anyone inside?
me: yeah, my sister
uncle: how long has she been in there?
me: err, she just went in
uncle: do you women try bra?
me: yes, of course
uncle: what for?
me: to make sure that we buy the right size. to avoid breast cancer in some other words

and then he just smiled and walked off. did i mention that he's very handsome? well, he is. and the way he speaks Malay is funny. maybe, he stayed in some foreign country for so long. hope to see you again handsome old man!

31/07/2009, I HATE YOU!

and i just realised; it's a BAD choice

i know you can't and you won't understand

I WANT CHOCOLATE FLAVOURED SLURPEE!
pleaseeeee

i hate my chemistry teacher. i used to dislike him but now i hate him. he's being a total pain in the ass. will you ever like a teacher who's being full of himself, expect you to answer to all his questions perfectly and in just miliseconds? it's crazy. i had class with him yesterday and since then i realised that i hate him. no, he didn't 'attack' me like how he 'attacked' some of my classmates but somehow i felt so annoyed with him yesterday. before the class knew that he's not married, we always thought that he had a fight with his wife before he came to school and maybe that explains why he is very moody. oh yes, he's always moody. he's like having PMS all the time or maybe the menopause. but guys, he's guy. is that even possible? try to be in his class, and tell what you feel after finishing the class with him. he's so fussy and he thinks he's very very very good. again, i hate him. there was a time, he attacked my deskmate, and he really got the wrong person. she, my deskmate had fired him back straight to his face. oh serves him right! and yesterday, a friend of mine noticed that he's hot a love bite on his neck and i was like eeeeuuuuuuwwww. i wonder who's that person that gave him that love bite. urgh, so sick! and oh i had class with him again just now. what?! 2 days straight? yeah it's so unbearable but i had no choice, i mean, we had no other choice. and today, a friend of mine noticed that he was wearing the same pants he wore yesterday and the day before yesterday. monster, i understand if you're lazy to wash your pants since you're not married and you have no one to manage your clothes and stuff but please don't make it obvious. just in case, you're blinded with the girls' beauty, you're in a girls school asshole! and oh i remember there was a time, my classmates and i were talking bout him and his scandal with this one teacher from my school too. and we were making a wild guess that he came back to this school hoping that he will get his long lost love back. and the best part is, we even spread the rumor that he's getting married with her. and omg, i just realised that he's getting worse now. he didn't really teach us like how he used to. he just show this bloody slide show and a little bit if explanation. and ohhhh, he even said to the class the he has been teching too much. what the fuck? you're a teacher. quit and get a wife old man!

i'm scared ):

folks! you see the cool t-shirt up here? I am looking for this t-shirt for long time. I really want The Beatles t-shirt. if any of you know where I can get it, please do let me know (:

hello Shazana! how are you today?
oh hey. I'm good I'm good
feeling better now?
yeah, thanks (:
so, what are you gonna do after this?
I will do what Farah wants me to do
oh really? I'm hoping for that for so long actually
why didn't you tell me? I'm sorry for being a pathetic asshole after all this while
people have craps to deal with
thanks for understand me. I hope it's not too late
it's not. I'm here to support you
awh, thanks Shazana

i've just finished digging my heart. i need to throw some unnecessary things out of it and i found a little A in it. i didn't know that i still keep it. or maybe the little A came back into my heart without knocking on the door first. ahh naughty little A.

A, i won't throw you away. i will keep you with me til the end of time. i promise you that. no matter what happens, you will always be here in my heart (:

yesterday, mama and abah went to school for the report card day. and just like how i expected it to be, abah marah. i woke a little bit late yesterday just to make sure i didn't get to talk to abah and mama before they went to school. i did all the houseworks before bath just to cover up dengan harapan, takkan kena marah sangat. and the best part is, i spent more than an hour in the bath room just to escape from abah. ding dong. and i skipped lunch and i locked myself in the room because i really don't want to talk to abah and mama. from my room, i called the house phone asking Irah whether abah marah gila or tak. i know its sillt to ask that. abah was really mad and Irah said abah said this to mama "i didn't expect this. i feel disappointed" you see, the only thing that will make me feel down and i mean really really down and the only thing that makes me feel that i'm useless is to disappoint my parents. i cried. well folks, i think it's better to stop telling you guys what happened yesterday because i'm starting to feel down just to think of what abah told me yesterday. abah and mama, i'm sorry. i will try to study harder but i can't promise you that i will get good results for the trials and even worse the spm itself. i don't know why but i just can't promise you two that and again, i'm sorry.

okay shazana, let's see if you can answer these. if you can pick an answer in just a second then you're perfectly fine (:

Q1. How are you today?
A. sick
B. sick
C. sick
D. sick

Q2. If you're given a chance to talk to him, what would you want to say?
A. I miss you
B. I miss you
C. I miss you
D. I miss you

Q3. Are you hiding something from me?
A. YES
B. YES
C. YES
D. YES

Q4. Do you want him back?
A. NO
B. NO
C. NO
D. NO

more options please?

Selamat Jalan
Baru sebentar tadi kita saling berbalas senyum
Mengapa harus kini kita berpaling?
Dengar sini sayangku, aku bukannya angkuh
Cuma buntu, kesejukan, ditinggalkanmu

Mungkin kau tak mengerti
Apa yang ku cuba sampaikan
Namun aku memahami jelas kehendakmu
Dan apa lagi yg mampu ku lakukan
Selain menelan pahitnya dan akur?

(Chorus)
Selamat jalan, semoga cerah masa hadapan
Jagalah diri, kau pasti bahagia tanpa ku disisi
Hanya satu yang ku harapkan, moga kau takkan lupakan
Masa-masa silam kita, di mana kita pernah senyum bersama

Maafkan, ku tak bermaksud menghantar mu jauh
Kukesali, lukamu tidak bisa lagi diubati
Namun ku tetap sayangkan mu
Dan tiada yang bisa mengubah
(Chorus)
Ku kesali, waktu ini tidak sempat lagi
Ku terlambat, namun kau sentiasa hampir di ingatan

Selamat jalan, jagalah diri
Jangan kau lupakan, yg pada suatu masa dahulu
Kita pernah bahagia bersama

no one noticed it ):

hey, hello, hi! :D

i went out with my parents today (: okay, i was supposed to watch Ice Age 3 with him but i couldn't make it yesterday. i went to kedah then to perak. i ate lots lots lost and lots of rambutan. ohhhwiiee! well, i was a bit tak senang hati that i didn't get to watch movie with him though we went out a day before. i went tuition this morning as usual. on the way there, mama asked if i want to go for movie with her, abah and irah. i didn't want to join at first. after tuition, i went back and i got this weird feeling. i started to miss everyone and i got carried away until i've started to hate some people. oh silly me! i watched the red lipstick and it somehow gave me the courage to move on. life is a long journey and we shouldn't stop at a start. thanks movie! haha. after watching that movie, i felt a bit better and i really wanted to go out and have fun so, i told my mom that i've changed my mind and i want to join them for the movie. my mom understands that i always change my mind (: and i realised that in the end it's family that always be there for you. regardless for who you are or what you have done. so, love your family (:

after movie, we headed to Johnny's. mama has promised me to belanja. oh guess what?! i think something is wrong with me and i mean really really wrong. i didn't eat much just like how i used to. weird isn't it? and oh i really hate it when i see all the workers at Johnny's are not malaysian. where are all the malaysians? if they're in some field that is way way better than being a dining boy or dining girl, then why is this country still can't be in the same level as the US? and i was surprised that these foreign workers have good command of english compared to some of the malaysians. it's sad. and oh that just reminds me of the government is converting mathematics and science to BM back. i understand that it is the mother tongue but in the tertiary level, these kids will still have to learn in english. isn't this will be bring trouble to them? some people may have questioned how come the old timers can do well even though they learned in bm for their secondary level. they may be right but just looked on how the country has developed. how many students managed to score straight a's and compare it to those days. and still these students, most of them didn't get any place in even local universities. it's sad isn't it? i shall not proceed, but just take time and think about this.

shouldn't let it all out. i miss you

good morning world (: i woke up early this morning. it's raining and yeah i know when it rains, tidur best but my sore throat is killing me. it's getting worse! i guess it's because i drank cold beverage last night. serves you right shazana!

i watched transformers yesterday, i know it's kinda late but i don't care, i watched it! lol. it was awesome! i love it! it was 4 something when i received a text message from a friend asking to watch the movie. i wanted to go with nabilah but she couldn't make it. i asked keyla, she had tuition. so i just went with this one particular friend of mine. we watched a 6 pm movie. i reached there around 5 because my friend wanted to eat but he ended up with a 1901 hot dog to eat in the cinema. before we entered the cinema, this friend of mine wanted to go pee ;p so i waited for "it" outside. and then i saw this one guy with his little brother. he looked familiar. oh, hafiz! haha. i was a little bit of surprised because i didn't expect to meet him there. nice meeting you hafiz (:

tik tok tik tok, the movie started. i was really watching the movie. i mean, i have nothing else on my mind. i was really in the mood of transformers. shia lebeouf is super cute and megan fox is super hot! and bee, i love you. haha. after movie i called my mom to pick me cause i started to feel sick. i felt dizzy. while waiting for mama, hafiz came and we didn't talk much because i don't know what to talk to and i was feeling really really sick on that time. luckily mama came early, thanks ma, i love you (:

after taking a warm bath, i felt a bit better. after that, i called sya telling her what happened. she is still not okay, well sya, i hope you will be okay soon. really soon. and i hope for everyone too. i pray for the best for all of you (: after calling sya, i called adam. we talked crap a lot. well, that made me feel a bit better. thanks adam. then, i was super hungry and so i ate bread with nutella. yummy yummy. and around 12.30 i started to feel dizzy and i had a major headache last night. after a good 10 hours of sleep, i felt much better but sore throat killing me.

folks, i'm going back to perak later! i can't wait. i miss my grandparents so much though i just went back to perak last week. lol. i love love love love love love my family :D can't wait to eat lots lots lots lots lots lots lots of rambutan and manggis. yeay (:

haha it happened again. no one knows what it is. the thing is safer with me and only me. evil eh? whatever. okay, let's just make it simple. i am gonna post about things that more or less people know and always think about. yeah, it's cliche. again, whatever. i got this text message from an old friend saying that something happened between them. and the best part is the thing is because of me. what the fuck?! i'm sure that would be your respond when something you didn't even know and when it happened it's like the wrold is putting the blame on you. it's like fukcing lame and sickly annoying kan? well, i try not to think much of it as my aim now is just to focus on my studies. but i just couldn't stop thinking of it since i've started to hear some rumors spreading which is sooooooooooo not true. alright, to whom it may concern, i really don't know what's going on between you and that person and i really don't care. so why must you drag me into this? dulu dah pernah buat sekali tak cukup ka? i've had enough of that person telling me lies. the sweet ones. things have changed now. get over it!

and to that other person, oh how i wish i can stop loving you. you really got me under your spell. congratulations, i hate you! the thing now is, i'm trying to fix things that we both have been trying to fix since before. i hope for nothing else from you except for this one thing. i'm not saying that losing you is like the end of the world. but you have been such a wonderful mate to me. tell me how can i let someone who has taught me how to stand go? you may say that i'm such a nuisance or whatever but who gave you that big warm hug when you're feeling cold and insecure? and again, i don't ask for much, i just want us to be like how we used to be. it's okay if i don't get what i really want from you i just want us to be like before. i sound desperate, but i really don't care. i miss you, again.


i'm confused, can you make me understand?

stop pushing. i need time to think. you take things for granted and now you want to make a big deal of that person leaving you. you said it's the best thing you've never experienced but your mind said the opposite. you need time to fix yourself as well? you're selfish and you don't seem to know it. people are trying to give you their bests but you don't know how to appreciate them. when you're down, she always be there to cheer you up. but what did she get in return? you said you don't want to lose her but you were kissing with your own brother's girlfriend. i’m impressed, i’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.


next chapter,
that night you texted me saying you need some explanation of what had happened between us. i gave you what you want. you started it off with your usual lines. it was stupid of me to give such a reaction. i should know it. the time flies so fast and you said, sometimes to look back is much better than to think of the future while you were holding her hand. i just smiled and she doesn't like it. i gave in. i tried to understand you. you need your mom and sister on your wedding day. a lunch will do. you asked me to choose but i need more options but when can i get it? can i ask it from you ex's mother? wait, does she even know what is happening. that morning, i wake up and to see you smiling next to me feels like heaven. a burger and a coke is a total go! finally, you met her. i can see that spark in your face. i told you, you love her still. but i know it's hard to choose. let's ask for more options. to fly to the moon or straight to heaven. we hate each other and we both know it. the endless fight is just so lovely. the endless love is frightening me.

it's okay baby, let's twist our words. our mind need some confusing game to earse those memories. it just work that way.

p/s: only fools understand what i wrote (:

yesterday: cross country at the youth park. sadly, it was my last cross country as a georgian. i just can't believe that i'm gonna say this but i love my school and i'm gonna miss all the wacky moments with the so unwell georgians (: and since it was my last time cross country-ing, i decided to run. well, not practically run, i jogged for few kilometres. not bad huh? i put my 'walkman' on, with the jiwang songs been played, i jogged to the beats. ridiculous la dey! anyways, i had fun jogging, really.

lepas lari, isi perut (:

favourite people <3

Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)
R.I.P

a day after prom. okay, i dumped him. so, apa rasa? syok kan? hehh, bloody don't care. guys gotta do what guys gotta do. eh correction, dickheads gotta do what dickheads gotta do kan abang? pi belah lah hang! 6m! being single is the awesomest thing right now. i mean, i am totally free. i don't have to worry about my words that will hurt him. in a matter of fact, i do hurt people a lot with my words. cakap tarak lapik; wtf? lantak lah kat aku, poser! i don't have to feed you up with my whereabouts. okay moving on, i feel much much much much better without you. thanks for ruining my beautiful life and thanks for leaving(: your lies are cool, seriously. see, i told you i'm better off without you.

next category, the fabulous bitch. sheesh, she's super annoying. "babe, i went out with him and he bought me a paris hilton tote!" what tha fuck? i bloody don't care and fyi, paris hilton is a bitch, can't you see what he's trying to say there you dumb bitch?! and you really don't have to tell the whole world that you wear armani to bed. stop being a brag!

i am super tired, my eyes are half close. thanks to the students' council that i had to sew six little tiny watermelons. i'm going off to bed now. friends, i'm sorry and nurfarah liyana bistamam, i love you. i was being a pathetic asshole for the past few days, i'm sorry. sya, dancing with you made me feel a bit lighter. and all, i love you guys. good night(:

finally, they are re-connected. i am happy for them both. mission accomplished, Alhamdulillah(:

i was sitting alone at the corner of my room. the song, "here comes goodbye" is playing in my mind. i told myself to be strong and do not shed a tear. yes, people come and go.

p/s: this is life shazana, the person who we hope to stay will eventually go, nothing lasts forever. it may be hard for you to go through the days without that person. but look on the bright side, this is the time for you to be independent. prove to the people around you that you can. you don't need anything or anyone to keep you going, it's yourself!





*thanks but still, i am a weak person. i don't take things seriously, i hurt you a lot. i am sorry. and again, i know you're sick with my sorrys. i wish i could turn back time and change everything just to see you smile. i miss you ):

"i'm weak, i give up"

no shazana, mama and abah know you can do this. do not give up! don't disappoint them.

nothing much happened today. i went for a date with abah and it was more than awesome. and now i'm trying to get two loving birds back together. hope i can make it (crossing fingers) and by the way, i'm loving my new phone. and all thanks to abah, my #1 hero <3!

yesterday was AWESOME. finally, i got myself a new hand phone. it's not a brand new hand phone, it's an old model but hell, i LOVE that phone very much(: though i wasn't in a good mood even after getting a new phone but still i could feel that my heart is jumping joyfully. THANKS ABAH, I LOVE YOU! and last night was really a big bang, amazingly amazing, fantastically fantastic and ridiculously ridiculous. it was 10.00 when i got a call from a friend of mine,

Q: na, nasi kandaq lein cheng jom?
N: sat sat tanya mak aku dulu (ma, Q ajak pi makan nasi kandaq leing cheng!)
M: pi la, later balik rumah sana teruih
N: babi, mak aku bagi ah tapi satgi hang kena hantaq aku balik sana
Q: cun ah setan, cakap kat mak hang aku sayang dia, nanti ada masa aku pi peluk cuim mak hang
N: blah ah hang, bagi aku siap lawa lawa dulu buleh ka?
Q: pergh! nak attract jantan ja tau

so i went uptairs, bukak almari (fuck, baju tu dok basah lagi!) *perah otak nak pakai baju apa. end up, i picked a black shirt and a white cardigant pull of with jeans. and i realised i looked ungodly sick! ah lantak, Q is on her way dah. and tuuuuuuup, Q called

Q: baruah, cepat ah
N: dok mai la ni puki

in the car, i put on my fave CD and i put the stereo on its maximum volume. ass shaker is the awesomest song ever! ahhh, i felt really really good. i sang my heart out and Q was staring at me and she said i looked terribly beautiful. fuck you very much Q! lepas penat melalak, sampai la kedai nasi kandaq. damn, packed gila! had to wait for empty table. and thank God, a family done eating and aku pun cepat cepat pi sep tempat. haha. i had nasi kandaq with kopi ais. both taste heaven. that's the reason why i fucking love penang; the food and the only-God-knows rude people living in this island(: while eating, then R, J, I and K came (ada jugak mamat mamat ni, ingat dah lama mampoih) so we lepak sekali. and it all started with J talking bout my black shirt.

J: na, baju mcm kenai
N: haa, baju I
J: i thought F has passed it back to I?
N: pukimak, dok camdek aku ka apa ni?

and everyone started to laugh when i did 'that' look. and suddenly, 'he' came into my mind and as usual Q will be the first to notice it. she cheered me up with her stupid jokes or more to the-mocking-shazana the love sick bitch jokes? but hell yeah, she managed to bring me back to the present. i'm glad that i can still laugh, i still have friend who always there for me, friends who never fail to keep me going. i have learned something that really made me think before punishing myself for a mistake and that is, we shouldn't take problems as problems but always as lessons to learn. the best way to improve ourselves for the better is learning from our own mistakes. and to look into the big world, people have to deal with craps, find me someone who isn't. then, i decided to not look back into the past and i have to be strong, stronger than ever.

it was almost 2 and Q got a call from his beloved boyfriend, she had to go. and that means, i have to go back with one of the guys. I said he can send me home, thanks for the ride I and thanks for the advices too. yeah, i will forget him. you're right, i'm not his type and he ain't mine too. friends, thank you so much and i'm forgetting him(: