Congratulations and welcome (:

Yesterday was the day. Yes, MY abang Ayin is now married to the lovely Kak Emma. Okay, we actually have two Emmas in our family now. Awesome! Just wait for the family gathering and eveyrone will mix up with the two Emmas in the family. Ha-ha. So, back to the story. I went to Mama Oyah's after going to Farah's house. I didn't help much pun that night since some people were saying that I don't need to help much, better study for the bloody SPM and surprise surprise! I didn't bring any books there. Congrats Nanu! And so, I just helped with some bunga telur and that reminds me of the short story: Of Bunga Telur and Bally Shoes. Ha-ha. After helping, I went out with Kak Nana to the coffee shop near by to just cuci mata. Lol. After that, we came back home and wooh! Gamal was there! The most handsome kid I've ever met. He was wearing black shirt and shorts. Eh, black shirt sama lah Gamal! Ha-ha. After having a short chatting session with him, I went to Kak Anum's to just have a good rest. I did nothing there pun until Izzat called me. What a surprise. I bet he will go back to school and tell that bloody guy about he calling me. Guys do the gossip better than the girls, trust me.

So, my job for the wedding was to be the bunga telur girl. And there was only ONE bunga telur girl and that's me. I had to walk here and there make sure that everyone get their bunga telur and I was wearing my bloody heels. Kaki sakit gila gila lah. But then, giving bunga telur is somehow FUN! And wooh I got this a lot:

"Eh, ni Shazana kan. Dah anak dara dah sekarang eh. Cantik dah. Bila pulak nak makan nasi minyak?"

I was so fucked up. Like wey tua sangat ka aku ni? Some cakap macam Form one and some cakap macam ni. Whatever lah kan. The best part is when I get to meet all the cousins and realtives. The old and new, I F-ing love my family (: The wedding was almost come to the end and apa lagi ni lah time nak menelepak rest. But sadly, I didn't get to. The new Kak Emma came to me and she was asking me lots and I mean fuckloads of question. Interogating new family member. She's nice and Abang Ayin is very lucky. Welcome to the family Kak Emma.

It's nice to have someone new in our family and it would be nicer if bapak is still with us. Bapak, I miss you. It's been almost a year since you left us, I miss you so bad )':

Bapak
al-Fatihah

See, I'm smiling (:

Okay, so things have been going fine lately. I mean, things between us. Yes, it's me and and the world, just the both of us and I'm very glad for that. I am, really and I know you can see that too. The text messages, the phone calls, the laughter, the smiles, the food, the fun and the most importantly, THE HEART. I don't want to sound gay or desperate or whatever bullshit so I decided to do this as a top-up. Things have been going fine with almost everyone. Not all, almost! People are hard to read and even harder to understand. I'm glad that I have at least tried to understand some. Didn't manage to reach the peak, but I'm proud of myself that I actually tried to. Different people, different ways. Ah, I get that! Well, why don't we both try to show some effort to make things better. What say you? It takes two to tango, you know? But so far, I think I'm doing my part pretty well and I'm sorry if I'm not.

I pretty much understand if this is not what you want. I've been such a pain in the ass after all this while so, I deserve this. But let's not make it too long because at this point of time, I might need you people to be with me. I may not tell you what's actually going on and please don't ask. I just want to be more independent but at the same time, I need my FRIENDS to support me. No, there's no need to brainstorm for some good advices, I just need a smile from you (: I know all of us can make it through. We have each other's back, cheers!

p/s: I love Penang and the people here. No where else :D

ayat-ayat cliche raya

yeah, I woke up early today. I didn't wake up for Subuh so bangun awal lah. Imma good girl ya see. Anyways, while I was cleaning the room I found lots of green packets but of course without money in my drawer and that somehow reminds me of some 'ayat-ayat cliche musim raya'. It's like when you go to someone's house, the parents (mostly) will definitely say this:

1. Laa dah besar dah now. Dulu kecik je, belajar mana sekarang?

kan? See. And for some special case, just like what happened to me. I got this:

2. Laa dah besar dah now. Dah Form 1 kan?

Like wtf?! nevermind, people see me still as a kid. Good thing! Itu cerita in real life, in the virtual world pulak, you'll find people asking/telling people these:

3. How's your raya?
4. Wey raya rumah hang masyuk tak duit?
5. Nanti mai la rumah aku, mak aku buat open house.
6. My raya is so boring without ........
7. I'm sorry body and soul, Selamat Hari Raya

Just nice kan? My raya has not been a good one actually so far, minus the cute guys I met. lol. It's okay, just for this year. Next year will be a blast Insya Allah (:

patience is virtue

semakin dekat hari SPM, semakin banyak pulak 'shit' jadi. sabar je lah

senyum shazana senyum

those good times

August 13, 2007; 1752

i received a call from Aunty Kina. this is how the conversation was like (roughly)

Aunty Kina: Shazana, hello how are you?
Me: i'm good aunty, how are you?
Aunty Kina: not so good, i've something to tell you but please stay calm
Me: okay (feeling a bit uneasy)
Aunty Kina: Dan involved in an accident just now. he was with Syakir and Rasyad on the way back home from school. Syakir was driving and he hit a tree
Me: Ya Allah! so how are they now?
Aunty Kina: Rasyad and Syakir teruk now.
Me: how bout Dan?
Aunty Kina: (silent) Dan meninggal dekat situ jugak
Me: (silent)

i was so speechless, i was blank. i couldn't think of anything. i hung up on Aunty Kina just like that.

it's been two years now and Dan is still with me and i know he will always be. a true friend he was, he knew when i really need someone to tell me this "please don't give up, give it a try. i know everything is gonna be just fine." he didn't afraid to speak the truth that might hurt me. i still remember his sentence "i nak sakitkan hati u ni, ready?" (': i miss those moments with him and what i miss the most is when he didn't know how to ask Sania out. "shazana, macam mana ni i nak cakap apa dekat Sania. takkan nak cakap direct terus, nak ayat best best sikit" haha. that was Danial Razlan.

***

Danial, i hope you're happy up there. yes, it' s hard for me to live without you as you were the only friend who knew when i'm up and when i'm down. you just knew it without me telling you anything. sometimes, i just want you to be with me and i know that won't happen. no one can replace you Dan. my life has not been so good for the past few months, don't know why. but i know everything will be okay soon, i just need to wait. oh Dan, SPM is coming up, please do help me. now that i don't have anyone to make me the 'countdown machine' so my time is not well planned so do my studies. mama and abah don't seem to help much. i know they want me to be more independent kan Dan?

some people said that i've changed a lot now. yes, i decided to change. i was too good back then that some people used me for their own good. Dan, help me to make them understand. i know if you're still here you would understand me, you would support me. oh i remember what Derrick told us on the night he gave me the lanyard;

"friends, i'm afraid la nanti kita dah besar and dah tak macam now. i know kita semua will change. Dan will get married with Sania and have kids and will go back to US and leave us then he will call Shazana and ask her to move to US because he has found her a nice english man. Radhi will be in Austalia with Kak Wai and he will come back here and find me because he can't live without my kek pisang"

ahh, those times. Derrick, i still keep that lanyard (:

***

i had a bunch of wonderful people but now i don't have them anymore. Derrick moved to Singapore after his brother passed away. Radhi is in Australia now probably in college dah. Kak Wai is still here in Malaysia finishing her law. Sania pun is still here in Malaysia, i met her last month. she's not doing so good after she had lost Danial. and me, i'm here waiting for time to reunite. HOPE

Danial Razlan Ahmad Rizal
01/10/1991 - 13/08/2007

al-Fatihah

balik kampung

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI

MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

motivated

it's coming, it's coming!

oh no, it went off in silent again.

i'm strong on my own (:

rendang, ketupat, lemang <3

whee, i'm glad i'm almost done with the trials. a week to go baby! let's not talk bout trials shall we? been talking and thinking of the freaking trials for the past few weeks and now i'm just too tired to worry about it. why don't we have something to rebuild those cells that have been used up for trials, and since raya is just around the corner, let's talk about RAYA. yeay :D okay, when the word RAYA come across my mind, i can't imagine nothing else but rendang, lemang, ketupat, soto, lontong, kuih raya, the new baju raya to wear, and of course, DUIT RAYA. i still remember when i was a little girl, am not saying i'm old now just a little bit older than before but i'm still a little girl. haha. anyways, yeah when i was a little little little girl, i used to go around the housing area kutip duit raya. it was fun though ;p and now, of course i don't get to walk around the housing area with some silly friends to do that or else i will end up in the kitchen and do the dishes! haha. i'm going all red this coming raya. whoot! hot hot. haha. but sadly, i have no one among my friends to wear the same red baju raya with me. it's okay, shazana. you have your mama, abah, iwan and irah to wear red same as you (: i'm going off to perak this coming saturday, can't wait! and i can imagine all the food on the table on pagi raya. there will surely be

atuk's lemang
opah's chicken and beef rendang
mak lang's cake
mama's kuih raya
MY kek batik
MY cornflakes cookies
ketupat made by maybe encik badrul <3
and and and atuk's favourite nasi minyak

fuhh, can't waitttt! ahh, i need to finish up my bio works. see you soon loves

real deal

never judge a book by it's cover.
you don't know me, friend. you don't really have to try to do something good for me because i will end up seeing it as a bad thing. and seriously, i'm starting to feel annoyed with you and your hidden agendas. and i hope, you will realise how painful it is to be at my place. at least, aku tak semiang kau. you just can't live without a guy to be called boyfriend in your life kan. it's pathetic lah sukcer!

sleepless nights

trials: real definition of misery and pain. SPM: real definition of the love of after school life. haha. so, i'm done with 6 papers. BM 1 was okay except for the peribahasa and bina ayat part. what the hell on earth is tangan-tangan? i never heard of it. so, i made my own assumption that tangan-tangan is something like kakitangan but it's just they replace the word kaki with tangan to make it sounds more nice and polite. lol. so, obviously i got it wrong. after BM was bio paper 2 and it was super duper tough. well at least for me. i can't remember the kidney part and what la shazana?! albinism is NOT a sex linked inheritance. bear in mind. so, i already screwed up on the first day of trials.

2nd day was agama and it's a JPN paper. nothing much to say, but somehow PFS helps. thanks thanks. and i had sejarah paper today. it wasn't that hard and it wasn't that easy. i managed to answer half of it with confidence but other half, tembak. like Ben said: redah je! i haven't been sleeping for the past few nights. the maximum sleeping hour was 3 hours? i know i'm gonna off to bed early tonight or maybe i won't. i'm immuned with it.

p/s: muka garang, hati baik (: